The Need to Lose

So, I'm a Unitarian Universalist (you can read a little more about that on my post here). Most of our Sunday sermons are... different. They're not full of Bible passages or stories from the Bible. The theme can come from anywhere. A few weeks ago, the service was inspired by the Olympics. Our minister talked about what the Olympians went through, with training, being away from family and friends, the stress of the competition. He also talked about Jordyn Wieber, the top gymnast in the world, who because of a silly rule and a couple mistakes, wasn't able to compete in the All Around competition, which teammate Gabby Douglas won. She was visibly upset when she realized it, but appeared to be ok the next day during the team competition, and cheered on her teammates as they competed for the All Around competition.

He read some excerpts from a book (I've forgotten which now) and talked about how we're teaching kids nowadays that they won't ever fail. They get trophies for participating and coming in last, and other similar situations. The kids think they will always succeed, they will always win.

Is this actually a good idea?

My minister also told us a story, that I believe was true but forget where it happened, of a man who had a perfect life. Great wife, kids, job, large salary. But he made a mistake in his work, a huge error that cost him his job. He still had his perfect wife and kids, but had never handled making a mistake, never handled losing. And he took his own life because he didn't know how to handle it.

The college I went to is half populated by teachers-to-be of all grade levels, and my best friend is going to be a high school English teacher, so I've had many discussions with her and other classmates about teaching, of all ages. New practices that schools are trying, ones that are outdated, good ways, bad ways. We've talked about how much recess kids should get, and how much attention they should get or how much they should be left to work on their own. Different styles of learning, and how they're mostly not being taught.

So personally, I think small children need lots of recess because they have lots of energy and there's no way to get them to sit still if they haven't been able to run around (and I think ADD is getting over diagnosed these days because of it). I think there are lots of different ways to learn and students shouldn't be restricted to just one and banished from the regular classroom if they don't learn the "traditional" way. I can't absorb something if I just read it or just hear it - I have to have both, and if possible, do something myself to learn how to do it.

And as for losing, I've had my share of it. Academically I've done very well, but I'm not particularly atheletic. I absolutely love dancing, but I wouldn't say I'm fantastic at it (I have long gangly arms and legs, makes them kind of hard to control!). I don't excel at everything I try and have entirely failed at multiple things, multiple times before moving on. Sure, like everyone else, I hate being wrong, I hate losing, and I hate not being able to do something I try to do. I actually get very frustrated and very mad sometimes. But I can handle it.

Of course, I was told I can be whatever I want, do whatever I want when I was a kid. But I wasn't taught that I'd always be a winner. I know how to fail and I've had a lot of practice. Not everyone does these days.

My minister said that he couldn't help but wonder if James Holmes was not accustomed to loss (at the mention of the Aurora theater shooting, I nearly cried - I have family nearby and the whole situation always upsets me). Holmes had recently failed an exam and dropped out of college. Surely, there's more to his situation and mental state, but what if that was a part of it?

Which then begs the question of how many violent outbursts, whether damaging only the self or others, too, are fueled by an inability to cope with loss, at least in part?

I'm not really sure how where I was going with all this, just that I felt the need to "talk" about it. Made me think, so I thought I would see if it made you think too! Think about whether or not you're teaching your kids to handle losing, and if you're teaching them that they're always winners, think about how it will shape them for the future.